New Year, New Beginnings

I don't know if there is anyone who ever actually reads my blog anymore...or at all.  Why would you?  I haven't posted anything in two and a half years, and let's be honest, my life (or at least the things I've posted in the past) are not earth-shattering my any means.  So why am I here tonight?  Well, I'll tell you.  I need a place to vent.  I need an outlet.  And while Facebook is okay for some things, I don't want to bombard or burden others with my constant thoughts.  And sometimes I just want to let things out and let go of them.  While the supportive comments are nice, sometimes I just don't need them.  So here goes...
On Monday, January 2nd, I embarked on a nutrition/fitness challenge.  I paid a fee to become an official member.  As an official member, I will receive a t-shirt, a wristband, and access to nutrition and fitness plans.  It also doesn't hurt that this program was started by a handsome Scottish actor as a way to support his favorite charity (half of the fees goes toward a blood cancer charity he supports) AND give back to the community to help people complete a challenge they've set out for themselves, physical or not.  For the money I spent on it, it's a pretty good deal.  There is a meal plan that I have chosen not to follow for the time being, although I do plan on trying out some of the delicious-looking recipes given.  I am, however, doing my best at following the fitness plan.  I've only been doing this for four days, and my legs are already sore, but I'm optimistic this will help me get out of the downward spiral I've been on for the past 16 years.
Here's what's gotten me upset tonight.  I'm sure she's well-meaning, but a roommate asked me how my New Years' resolution was going.  I admit, I probably didn't respond in the best way.  But I want to be very clear: This is not a New Years' resolution.  It never was, and it never will be.  Resolutions do not and have not ever worked for me.  Sure, I suppose I could have tried out the old resolutions one more year.  "I resolve to eat healthier."  Great, that works until someone brings home or makes something laden with sugar and tells me I have to eat some because they can't eat it all.  "I resolve to work out more."  Okay, what happens when there's nobody around to be accountable to?  Who wants to go out in the frigid cold to go to a gym packed full of people who have made the same resolution?  Just like them, I will either stop going after a couple of weeks, or I will never go at all.
Yes, I admit that part of my motivation for jumping into this program was because of the handsome Scottish actor mentioned above.  But the fact of the matter is that I have been unhappy for a very long time.  I'm unhappy with my body, I'm unhappy with my weight, I'm unhappy with how I see myself.  And either I've been too lazy or too unmotivated to do much about it.    The weight came on easily, why can't it come off easily as well?  Well, that mindset has done me absolutely no favors.  I'm close to one hundred pounds over my ideal weight.  One hundred pounds!  I'm sure a lot of people would balk at that amount and tell me there's no way I am that overweight.  And I would probably respond that I carry it well.  But the truth is, I do not.  I've seen the photos, I am overweight.  And it's time I do something about it.
So why isn't my decision to lose weight and eat healthier a New Years' resolution?  Yes, it began the day after New Years'.  And yes, some of the challenges I hope to accomplish over the next year are some of the typical resolutions made on January 1st.  The difference is that this is not something that is going to fizzle out in a few weeks.  The difference is that I am choosing to fight for myself and to believe that I am worth it.  The difference is that when I last checked, there were 6,190 other people around the world doing similar things and making similar choices in an effort to improve their own lives.  There are 6,190 other people on this planet who have got my back and who can give me the encouragement I might need at the drop of a hat.  There are 6,190 people I can go to if I have a question or concern about something in the meal plan or the workout videos.  The support I've gotten in the past week from people I will probably never even meet has been incredible.  And I need that encouragement.
The number I saw when I stepped on my scale to find out my starting weight will never show up there again.  There will be a day, soon, when I will be able to wear all those clothes I had to put away because they didn't fit anymore.  Soon, I may just have to go shopping for an entire new wardrobe because everything I own is too big.  And one day, maybe I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror and thank myself for insisting that I was worth fighting for, even if I'm the only one doing the fighting.  This is not a resolution, it's a lifestyle change.